Got a question about intuitive eating, the anti-diet approach or making peace with food and body? Each month, I will be answering a reader question about these topics here in order to help you on your own Discover Food Freedom journey.
The following is a struggle that I see across almost all of my clients.
“I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. I eat clean and exercise, but once I eat "unclean" just one meal or even just eating at a resto (I try to prep my meals most times), I just suddenly drop everything I’m upholding and give in to junk and sugar all day. What do I do?” - Chimchim
Thanks for this great question, and before I answer, just a standard disclaimer: These answers are for informational and educational purposes only, aren’t a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice, and don’t constitute a provider-client relationship.
There is so much I could say on this topic. I’ll start big picture and then narrow it back down to food specifically.
Big picture: How you eat is how you live, and how you do anything is how you do everything.
Chimchim, I’m going to take an educated guess here that you probably notice these all or nothing tendencies in other areas of your life too?
Chances are, if we’re taking an all-or-nothing approach to food, we are likely doing this in other parts of life as well. This isn’t just about food. It’s about LIFE and the intimate connection between the way you eat and the way you show up in the world.
As Geneen Roth so beautifully says, ‘Our relationship with food -- how, when, what and why we eat -- is a direct expression of our underlying feelings, thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. It has to do with stances we take that get reflected not only in our relationship with food, but in all our relationships. It just so happens that the relationship with food causes enough conflict, grief, shame and hurt that we're willing to look at it.’
We don’t have enough space to address all of this here, but it’s an important aspect to remember, because it means we can approach this challenge from multiple angles. One is to work on the absolutist thinking when it comes to food/body first and eventually see it trickle into the other areas of your life. Or, you can begin by examining all those other aspects of your life in which you have an all or nothing approach, and work on softening your mindset there, which will inevitably have a ripple effect on your relationship with what’s on your plate.
Ideally, you do a bit of both because in the end they are intrinsically linked & approaching this holistically will give you the most empowered and sustained transformation. For now, I invite you to explore in what other areas of your life this extreme yoyoing is showing up, and to ask yourself where it might come from?
Now, to get a bit more granular in regards to your specific food challenge. It’s very common for people to struggle with this, and often it’s founded in a very simple view of eating.
Either we’re doing it perfectly - eating the right food in the right amount that will help us be healthy and thin forever (i.e. have every meal prepped, never eat out) - or we cut loose, let go of all our good guidelines and eat whatever we want, to heck with it all. I call this the “f*ck it mentality”.
Chances are, if you’ve been eating or dieting in this way, it can be a lifelong roller coaster ride that never ends.
When we’re eating perfectly, it feels like this strategy is working. We feel in control, and dream about how our bodies (and life) will change if we can keep this up for long enough.
But when we let go, we feel a strange sense of relief and rebelliousness, followed by some very predictable guilt and a feeling of self sabotage.
The self-loathing that follows is motivation to ‘get back on the bandwagon’, so then we’re back to dieting, restricting and not honoring ourselves. Until the next unplanned dinner out, missed workout or slightly overfull tummy triggers us to, as you said yourself, drop everything we’re upholding.
And so the cycle continues… the more we experience deprivation, deprivation backlash and the guilt that follows, the more disconnected we become from our bodies and ourselves, and this doesn’t help when it comes to making sustainable food behavior changes. When we feel guilty after eating, we send our body the conscious or subconscious message, “Tomorrow, I’ll try not to do this again,” which our body hears as, “Better get food in now.” Food guilt leads to further stress and food restriction, which just starts the cycle of guilt, restriction, and body disconnection all over again.
I’m sure you’ve gone through the ringer often enough to know this strategy doesn’t work. But I also understand why you keep coming back to it.
For one, we believe that if we stick with it long enough we will achieve our dream body, dream health state and dream life. We convince ourselves that this is the ultimate game plan for lasting success. And when we do fail, we convince ourselves that next time we’ll be better prepared, not let life get in the way and wield more self-control and discipline.
And secondly, even if we consciously or subconsciously understand that this ill-fated strategy isn’t working, it’s hard to imagine what the alternative looks like.
Imagine this constant back and forth you’re experiencing as a seesaw.
Deprivation and guilt work in an opposing manner, like two kids on a seesaw - the more deprived (physically or mentally) you become from dieting and from specific foods, the greater the deprivation backlash.
The only way to get off this metaphorical seesaw is to deliberately and consciously remove the deprivation. As you remove the deprivation by giving yourself the unconditional permission to eat (and work through all the layers of mental restriction), you will eventually get to a place where your mind and body no longer feel like lashing out against you in the form of a f*uck you binge fest.
So the good news is: the remedy is straightforward in theory. Take the middle road. Create balance. Let go of perfect. Adopt an ‘all or something’ approach instead. Stop the magical thinking, stop believing you need to be a dietary hero, and begin to see life as it truly is.
The not so great news is: this process takes time. Letting go of the all-or-nothing path requires that we mature. To acknowledge that what we’re doing is no longer working, no longer serving us. And it requires trust in the process, and in yourself.
But ultimately what I want to leave you with is that you are not broken. It makes sense that your mind and body is lashing out in this way, because you are physically, mentally and emotionally starving yourself from nourishment. So please be easy on yourself in this process.
Taking the middle way isn’t something you try once to see if it works. Rather, it’s a daily practice.
I hope this is helpful. Sending love xx
