When my journey with binge eating started is hard to define, I think I had a distorted relationship with food as long as I can remember. I only understood I had an eating disorder when I started working with Stef back in 2016. Let me backtrack a few years and take you through my personal journey, I'll try to be as concise as possible but bear with me.
Writing can be incredibly therapeutic for someone recovering from an eating disorder or working through disordered eating struggles. In fact, starting up a journaling practice was one of the best things I ever did for my own recovery. After I shared this blog post with you on the three ways that journaling could change your life, I received many questions from you guys asking about specific journaling prompts that you can use. So that’s what I’m doing today. The exercise that I’m sharing with you today is incredibly powerful because it taps into the power of visualisation and allows you to imagine a life without food struggles. It’s one of my favourite exercises to do with my clients, and I hope that it will help/resonate with you. PS I’m sharing one of my lovely client’s journal snippets with her permission, as it’s beautifully written, almost brought me to tears and will hopefully be an inspiration to you, my dear reader.
For about two years, I struggled with my inner daemons on my own.
That is, with my eating disorder, of course.
It was a debilitating feeling, knowing that no one else knew that side of me. I wanted to let someone in, but at the same time I couldn’t think of anything worse than someone finding out the truth.
When I finally found someone who I could confide in – and who didn’t seem to care in the slightest that I had “issues” – it changed the way I dealt with my problems. I finally let someone in. That person was Phil.
"I've been underweight, I've been chubby, I've been skinny fat, I've been super lean, I've been at the peak of my physical fitness and then lost it all again. All along this journey, I've hated my body, loathed it, accepted it, then loved it, then hated it again, wanted it to be skinnier, then stronger, fitter, more flexible, and the list goes on...
Someone recently asked me what the lowest point of my eating disorder was. What was the final straw that made you change? I immediately knew what it was and was catapulted back to that moment. And now I'm going to share it with you.
I already talked in some detail about this here, but I think that a lot of people who are currently struggling with an eating disorder may find some comfort and hopefully inspiration in this part of the story.
At the time, I was doing an internship as a service staff in a hotel in London. I had just moved there three months ago, and even though I enjoyed discovering this new city, I absolutely hated my job.
Putting a compulsive eater into an environment where you are surrounded by readily available food 24/7 and get to secretly eat the leftover pralines at the end of the night is like putting an alcoholic into a bottle shop.
I dreaded going to work every morning and more often than not, would spontaneously call in sick because I just couldn't deal with the food confrontation. I would wake up every morning, promising myself that today would be different. Today would be the day where willpower would succeed and I wouldn't even dare to look at all the tempting food around me at work. I'd have a tiny little breakfast, like 1/2 a kiwi, and hope that it would sustain me throughout the day (it's so crazy when I think back to that now!) Sometimes I managed to actually not eat anything for the entire shift, but on most days my willpower would eventually fail me and I would eat one praline, then two, then tree and so on. By the end of the shift I would feel so guilty about failing yet again that all I wanted to do was go home and eat some more. I lived on a busy main road in West London, and on my walk home from work I passed an endless amount of fast food restaurants that were open until late at night. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how that story ends...
Yoga, meditation, journaling: all these things are invaluable tools to make me feel zen, yet I often struggle to do them even though I know I feel more in touch with myself afterwards.
It's not that the activities are hard in themselves (though yoga can be grueling at times). It's the internal debate that starts up every day when you know you should do them but there's a part of you that is holding back.
The same goes for our diet. We know we should be eating more fruits and veggies, but instead we go for the heavily processed stuff. Why is that?
I used to think that it was just me - that I was 'wired wrong' and that I was somehow incapable of learning from my mistakes. I knew I'd feel good after eating a light meal and that I would feel crap after eating crap, but all too many times I would still opt for what made me feel bad, both physically and mentally.
At the end of Part 2 of "My Story With an Eating Disorder" I left you on a positive note, it almost sounded like recovery was smooth sailing. But let me tell you: it really wasn't.
I mean, yes, I started understanding what my triggers were and yes, I slowly began opening my eyes to a wholesome diet that left me feeling energised and happy. But consciously understanding the issue and actually reprogramming your subconscious are two very different things.
There was a phase in my recovery where I thought I had understood everything, had left no stone unturned and knew exactly what got me riled up, but somehow, somehow I still couldn't resist the urge to binge once it came up. Once that feeling crept in, there was no way in hell to stop it. I was like a roaring monster that just wanted food, food and more food.
Previously the binging used to happen on autopilot, but now there was a part of me that was somewhat conscious about it. There was this moment before the binge, just a split second, where I knew what I was about to do and why I was about to do it, but then I would still go ahead and do it anyways.
I’ve had this post in draft for months, but I never felt ready to post it. I've been reading it over and over again, adding bits and pieces here and there trying to see if it all makes sense. And somehow this morning I felt ready to share my story. My eating disorder story.
I mean, I've talked about this very openly in the past and have written several posts and guest posts about it, but nothing ever like this. This, my friends, is full disclosure. I'm sharing it all with you, the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to share this story with you because wether you've suffered from an eating disorder or not, wether you consider yourself an emotional eater or wether you've ever felt uncomfortable in your body, I think you can relate to the challenges that come along with the search for a healthy, happy and fulfilling life.
Warning, this is a long post! I decided to split my story into three parts because it's quite a long and heavy read..If you want the quick & easy version, feel free to breeze through the "About Me" section instead.
We’re a generation of go-getters, always striving for faster, better and stronger. Without taking breaks, not even when it's time to eat. And that's a big problem. Digestion is a complex process that requires communication between the gut and the nervous system, and it can take up to 20 minutes before the brain realises "I'm full". Consequently, eating too quickly can lead to overeating and stress your digestive system.
Un-mindful eating eventually leads to unhealthy eating habits and "self-medicating" with comfort foods. Mindfulness might sound like a hippie concept to some, but it’s really just about being present. It’s easy to be on auto-pilot and go about our day-to-day lives without really living. Mindfulness is about paying attention to what you’re doing and soaking up every moment, rather than letting your mind race ahead, worrying about the next thing you’re going to do.
s announced on one of my latest Instagram posts, I want to start a new WholesomeStef series dubbed #lessonsfromrecovery. I see my eating disorder as a blessing in disguise because it has taught me so many valuable life lessons and has made me a better person. Yes, I want to talk about the struggle and the challenges, but I also want to look at the positive side of things and show how you can come out stronger on the other side. I initially just wanted to scribble down a couple of sentences on Insta, but I ended up having sooo many things to say that you are here on this post now.
Gosh, there are so many inspiring and passionate individuals that I want to interview for this #healthspotalk. I have some more in the pipeline already and can't wait to share them with you soon! In fact, I've been getting so much excitement from these collaborations that I haven't had much time for other type of posts. I do hope that you enjoy them as much as I do and that you are equally inspired by Elle, Jesse and Co.
